Thoughts and activities

The last few days outside of college haven't been as practical as I had anticipated they would be, although is mostly my own fault. I have, however, had a number of very in depth conversations about various ideas (not necessarily my own) and experiences recently. I have also been reflecting a great deal on my recent experiences and feelings coming out as a result. There has also been some experimentation in drawing which has been quite fruitful, and this is something I will develop further. Self portraiture is a novel experience for me, as I haven't attempted it before, at least not as far as I can remember. It's an awkward experience for most, as I think almost everyone will have some issues with their self image on one level or another, even if they are not necessarily aware of it. I'm no exception to this, but I found it a curious example of how much my attitudes have changed, with regards to how I view myself, and also how much my comfort boundaries have relaxed. There would have been a time where the idea of conjuring an image of myself from memory or imagination alone would be deeply uncomfortable and ultimately would result in an overly considered, contrived piece of work, if it resulted in anything at all. I place a lot of responsibility for this change on my experiences of late, namely studying again, leaving a soul-destroying job, and thinking more in general. It has all worked together to relax me emotionally, which for the most part has been joyous, but it has also resulted in one or two private outbursts, and feelings of anxiety almost to the point of a panic attack. I believe this to be the effect of shedding off years of layers, built up in order to deal with issues going back to my teenage years and younger, that have repressed my emotions to a lesser or greater extent, for the best part of ten years. As this repression is starting to fall away it is an exciting experience, but it has been described as symptomatic of post traumatic stress and so there is a great deal of fear and anxiety associated with all of it as well. I fully intend to try and utilise this, although my path for this is not clearly defined in my mind as of yet. The self-examination of the self portraiture however is a very significant place to start, at least for me.